One Man's Solution

Somebody was trying to give me relationship advice the other day, and the shit was pretty fucking weak. I’m no Rico Suave, but to follow the sentiments of Kenny Powers, a rock could probably give better advice than the anonymous person that attempted to set me straight in my ways (fucker actually told me to wear cologne; he said it’s a sign to women that “you are trying”. For the record I did not request advice from this person, it was just given to me, after I complained about something). So screw that shit, here is the real down low, from a winner’s loser, or loser’s winner, depending your levels of optimism. This guide pertains mainly to potential time/life wasters (i.e. mates) whom you deem out of your league and/or girls with which you have no common interests to initiate fluid interactions with (the types of girls you should be dating). I’d like to include a disclaimer that even as I write this, I find the idea of anyone taking my relationship/dating advice seriously to be absolutely ludicrous. Have you read any of my other posts? If not read them first and then come back to this one so you will better understand the bullshit that my brain sends to my fingers.

First off, if you want to mack on a girl it’s probably a good idea to remember their name. Maybe it’s cool in that off putting I don’t care/I can’t be bothered to remember it kind of way, but I don’t think most girls are up for the challenge if the name thing becomes constant, and if that does give them a charge then they are to be avoided anyways. Next you have to choose your tactic. Always be yourself to an extent: i.e. don’t say things that you will have to retract later once (or even before) they know the real you. By lying and/or divulging yarns, you then have to remember them for eternity; this shit is very hard to do, especially if you have a history of drug use. You do have to act “greater than” who you actually are, as most girls are uninterested in the loser’s winner as is. The most important part of the process is to choose your path. There is that school of thought among some men, that the more of an uncompromising (yet witty) asshole you are to them, the more they view it as a personal challenge to change something obstinate. Or maybe it’s a test of their charm, confidence and sexuality, but it’s one of the two or both (I will get into this later). Who knows, I’m sure it differs from person to person: some like the games and some hate them. The other tactic is just to be there constantly without seeming like a stalker. I remember attempting to annoy a girl into hooking up with me, by simply being overwhelmingly persistent. Basically you just annoy, guilt trip and invite them to everything you are doing, to the point where they either have to tell you to go screw, or they come just to get you to shut up. The key is to never complain when they don’t show, don’t bring up past events of your own accord, and if/when they ask you how it was, always reply that it was great (of course, you may have to lie here, as things are rarely actually great) unless it was really, really bad, and then its best to be brutally honest for sympathy points. This may not be the best tactic, but it may be your only option if the asshole one doesn’t fit your persona. Often you can chisel repeatedly at their veneer till they are utterly helpless against your unyielding tactics. Being slightly funny and poignant the whole time is also a must, as solely being persistent can be tiring. My demise in this situation, related directly to the fact that I grew tired of my own tactic, and at some point just decided to flip to the asshole route unexpectedly. I don’t have the unwavering upbeat personality and tenacity needed to really see it through and that somewhat defeated me, so being an asshole actually came naturally. Speaking from experience, you have to choose one route and stick to it, you can’t just flip it 180 degrees in the middle because things are not going your way. Instead use a complimentary tactic that goes hand in hand with the annoyance. Sometimes by just ignoring them, they start to wonder “what happened?”, and this often has more to do with their own insecurities than anything about their desire for you (unfortunately, but this is real life). You were there routinely, and now you are not; this is either a relief or a cause for concern, and often they will now come out of the woodwork to see you even if they don’t really think they care. This is the point where you are not supposed to become the asshole, just be nice and let them do all the work.

Now, if you do choose the asshole path you've got to perform that role unwaveringly. This path is not for everyone, as it helps if you are naturally an asshole, or have young Brando good looks. Of course if you have young Brando good looks then you can probably do whatever you want anyway. By being a total asshole, the girl will either hate you, love to hate you, or love that you hate her and make it her personal mission to weave herself into your life to the point where you are no longer an asshole to her. The unfortunate part is that if you do reach that point, you still have to be an asshole to her just to keep her interested. If you soften up, she has reached her own goal, and now has nothing to pursue. Sadly, if you continue to be an asshole, this will ultimately wear her down to the point where your relationship is based solely on your abuse, and you will routinely act abusive and cruel out of habit. Having written all of this I feel dirty, old and jaded (this feels like some advice that Coach McGuirk would give in Home Movies). I should post up No Pussy Blues by Grinderman, so I could make a relevant post with some type of literary/audio connection. I'll probably just add that track tomorrow. For now:
The System - Groove
The Sytem - Didn't I Blow Your Mind
Roy Ayers - Midnight After Dark